it's complicated.

jaclyn. seventeen. senior.
taken. confused. struggling. recovering. believer. dreamer. musician. writer. lost. artist. wanderlust. alive.

GRYFFINDOR: SwordStone2
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Posts tagged "depression"

so I’ve been asked before “what does severe depression feel like?” so I shall attempt to answer this.

TW: depression & mentions of suicide, self injury.

before you read: this is also my take on how my depression affects me, not everything I say is what everyone feels, this is just how it has affected me and part of my story. so don’t go off saying that parts of it aren’t “real” or whatever.

the worst thing about depression? the fact that the littlest thing will set you off into just crying. it’s always the stupidest thing.

like, my parents went and ate without me and we don’t have any actual food in this house. and because of that little ridiculous thing, I’m not crying. like I’m really really really sad right now. because of that. that’s what depression does to you. that’s how bad it can get and how stupid it is. it’s not just being “sad” it’s being sad all the time and then being really really sad most of the time as well as being really really really sad randomly for no real reason. it fucking sucks.

so I think I have SAD.

and I think it’s a newly developed thing. or maybe it’s just me being super depressed and it so happens to be during the winter, I’m not sure. but I already have severe depression and moderately high anxiety and possibly bipolar disorder as well. but now I think I may have SAD but I am not really sure. I’m just really messed up and I just really need a therapist. I really do. I need help. I need someone to talk to. like really really talk to.

who am i? i just stared at the mirror, i don’t know who that girl in the mirror is, that’s not me. what has happened to me?

i don’t know what’s happening. just everything that’s bad that i used to do has happened tonight. i don’t know who i am anymore. i need help.

depression

this is “my box” it now lives in the bottom of my closet.

in this box it contains 2 [groups] of things.

my “why i should” list.

and all of the items i’ve ever used to hurt myself.

it is covered in 4 layers of duct tape.

the items are wrapped with multiple bags.

on the top of the box it reads :

“jaclyn, you don’t have to do this. really think about it. <3”

i’m hoping this works.

this needs to stop.

i can’t do this anymore.

i know you feel like you really need to do it, like it’s the only way to survive. but you don’t need to, you can do other things, find better ways to release your pain, they are out there, you just gotta look for them. you don’t need to do this anymore, you just have to want to stop.

people believe in you, i believe in you.